Friday, August 21, 2015

ups and downs of life

So after our last riding weekend and all my reflections Tesla had an appointment with the equine body worker again.  He was showing new areas of issue, even though he did feel really good in the Ortho Flex...Not sure if he got a few muscles tweaked during the big spooks, or we just aren't pinning down what is causing him issue. So decided no more riding until the saddle fitter is out again. 
In other words, no Iron Mountain.  I'm not sure I'm all the bummed about it either...I had reservations about going back there this year, emotionally, but at the same time I wanted to get back there and visit Traveler's final resting spot.  I might have still gone and volunteered (heavily armed with friends and drinks) if it wasn't the only Saturday I could work with the fitter.

Another "downer" for me, we said goodbye to my oldest cat Arial on Friday the 14th. 
She would have been 19 November 7th, and I've had her since she was 3mos old. She was the last our of original 8 pets before kids started adding in (yes, 8! We had 4 dogs, 3 cats and a horse when Asher was born).  Now we have 2 young kids, 2 dogs, a cat and a horse - all of which have come in the last 3 years as we lost our fury gang.

2010 - Fury kids now have all gone over the Rainbow Bridge but not forgotten
On the upside, I bought a used Stonewall that will arrive next week. I have the OrthoFlex borrowed for a bit longer, and I have my treeless with a swapped wide pommel insert to assess fit on all of them the 29th with the fitter again.  Whichever works the best is the direction we will go!  And if none of that works, I don't have a clue... I can't afford a custom Reactor Panel Heraldic saddle.

This weekend marks a year since I lost Traveler.  Not a ride goes by that I don't think of him. I can't look at the trail the same...every branch across the path I skip a beat and pray it won't trip Tesla up.  I get angry too...angry at myself for the "jerk" and "jackass" comments I made to him as he shoved me around that day... I know he was doing it to tell me something, but I was only concerned with keeping him calm and still until we had vet help.  I knew in the back of mind that the situation was very bad from the instant I got off, but couldn't face it.  I regret not being the last thing he saw...I have held every one of our pets as they've passed, but for him I was advised to turn away, go down the path a bit, as I had never been with horse for process before and how he would go down was an unknown with a broken shoulder. My engineering mind wonders if there was a way we could have walked him out that day ... but in my heart I couldn't ask him to spend hours trying to get back to the road, and months in a stall. I didn't care that he could never be ridden again, that he would be a pasture puff IF he made it through the recovery, he would still be with me...but it was the IF, I couldn't put him through. His quality of life would not have been acceptable to him, he would have been depressed and I knew it.  He would have done his damnedest to walk out of there with me, that is just what we had together, but I couldn't ask him to bare that pain for miles and hours.  He was far from perfect, but we had been through the ringer together. Overcoming fear, trust, and training/abuse issues...we had an understanding of each other. I knew when he couldn't handle the situation at hand and he knew when I needed comfort.  He was with me when I had complications with Asher's pregnancy and was visibly worried when I didn't return for week. I spent hours grooming him when I wasn't allowed to ride. I remember the week after I lost Cherokee I went to see him, I found him standing in the pasture funny and not moving to me (not his normal) and I about had a heart attack worried I would lose him too.  Turned out to just be a lazy moment and odd stance but I couldn't bear the thought of what might have been.

Now the commitments of life make it hard to spend the time I really want to with Tesla, and maybe I use that as and excuse as to why we haven't bonded closely yet, or maybe I'm afraid to. When I got Traveler I had Doug, work and the other pets.  I spent nearly every night with him building a relationship for months.  Now I'm lucky to see Tesla 2x a week and I wonder if I am doing him justice some days.  I can't wait till I can move him home...but that is probably a few years away.  Maybe something will work out next year with the land down the street, but it isn't to be this year.  For Saturday my plan is to just groom and do some ground work and stretching.  Hoping he sees the need in me for horse healing.

RIP Traveler...not a day goes by that I don't think of you.
MI Spring 2008
TN Summer 2009

TN Summer 2010

TN Fall 2011

A very pregnant me, TN Aug 2012

3rd Place Trail Challenge TN June 2013

Silly Face VA June 2014

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