I consider myself adaptable, but I hate being disappointed. Disappointed in myself is the worst...top that off with disappointed in other people, and then disappointed at work... Some days it just feels like it never ends.
And guilty...guilty that my passion and goals cost money. We have a house my husband has a list a mile long of things to do with it, plus we want to clear land to build a small barn and bring Tesla (+1 to come) home. Until then I am paying board for him, and bought a new to me trailer this spring to make my travels easier (on myself and the horse). We have two young kids, one old enough to start sports so now we all do karate, and he also has soccer this fall. We want to refinance the house in a few years and we need to look at getting a new car as the Hyundai is driving us absolutely nuts (currently in the shop trying to figure out why it doesn't want to start all the time). We've had one of those years where there has always been something costly and unexpected every month from cars or pets... we finally took our first vacation in over 3 years, which is never cheap. Not that we don't have money in savings, but we are hoping to keep it all for refinancing later!
I haven't had a real ride since early August...when saddle fit issues left me giving Tesla time off while waiting on a new one. We got to ride for 30min for a fit check when it came (yay for passing that!) and then this weekend my first shot since....5weeks+ off.
So I "work" two nights a week at the barn to help offset monthly cost of board - feeding and cleaning stalls. Saturday eve's being one of those - I ended up not being able to go as early as I wanted and being on a time crunch to get home...so not the time I was expecting to get with Tesla and debated what I was going to do with it. I decided a little saddle time was better than none, and still took my time grooming him to heck his back and letting him check out the saddle he hadn't seen in weeks. We lunged a bit, I made a few adjustments and then legged up and we walked around the arena. Tried a little trotting, but he wasn't having it. Saddle slipped forward onto his withers a bit -- need to get the girth and padding worked out.
He's lost confidence I've noticed while being off work. Much bigger jumps when he spooks, and just generally more reactive than he has been before...not sure what to do with that one. His back is getting better though, and the chiro is finally due out Monday morning so we'll have definitive answers on his L/S area.
Now while I didn't get the ride I wanted, I got what I needed. I got Tesla, being his complete puppy dog loving self, behaving like a perfect gentleman (something we've been battling with respect and rubbing, and generally standing still)...even standing still at the mounting block! He wasn't bucking on the line, wasn't giving an attitude, just being a good boy. We may have only walked but he was happy...ears forward, enjoying the time together.
When we got to trotting he objected, but without bucking (score!). I didn't push him and realize we have a little more saddle fitting work to do to make things right again. And I need to find my rhythm in this new saddle... I know he's got bad memories now and associates some pain, so we've got to work past that slowly. Now how do I find the time?
So while I started the weekend frustrated and defeated, I am not ending it that way. The art of Endurance riding is just this...Enduring. Ever changing priorities in life, the twists horses throw at us with injuries, growing pains, attitude adjustments. I will endure the journey with Tesla, as I did with Traveler and we will be all the better for it. I know I will still have moments of frustration, doubt and feelings of failure...just hope I don't whine too much for my readers!
|must get that head down at the trot|