Monday, May 2, 2016

2 weeks gone by

And not a day goes by that I don't think about what happened... I hate dwelling on that last few hours and the begging and praying I did in my head for him to hang on when he looked at me at the ER Clinic. Then I flashback to those last few hours with Traveler and the struggle on the mountain, remembering his will to move for only me.

I've changed my desktop at work so I don't see all the pictures rotating by, but I can't help but look through them anyway and wonder...wonder Why? How?  We were just getting started, making it back into the swing of things to get ready for a year ahead of getting better together, moving up to endurance distances. We'd conquered many of our issues, I so looked forward to riding him in fun challenges, training rides and lessons.

I've got an amazing husband, let alone family and friends with shoulders to cry on. And I have many times this past few weeks, as well as hiding and crying in silence. Many giving various words of encouragement and commiserate screaming about the shit side of horse ownership. I 'know' it doesn't matter if a horse is free or cost $1M, because both these types of loss could happen to anyone anytime, but it doesn't help the feeling....  I did everything I could for him to keep him pain free, happy and healthy. But somehow I failed.

So while I sit here working to do a pre-purchase exam on a horse from afar, I challenge myself if I am ready for it again.  I haven't been near a horse since that day when I returned to check my hay and feed for any reason he could have gotten sick.  I long for the smell of hay... for that 'horse' scent of his I find on my barn jacket and his blankets, now sitting in a bin at home.  I long to look forward to the issue of the day working with him, celebrating small wins, enjoying the trails together - ears forward trotting on by.  Grooming and braiding his mane to cool him in the summer. Massaging him...knowing every bump on his body.

A massage at 'lunch' on our training ride back in Feb

So what does all this mean?  I need the bond...I know it can result in heartache, but I would not be happy with "just riding" someone else's horse.   So I begin my search again...the heart knows, and my guardian angels will be watching over me and guiding me in my dreams.

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